His credentials are impressive. He started as a theatre techie, rose to become an event producer, then retrained at the Royal College of Art in television production, worked as a video and TV producer for a decade and then studied at the London Business School, which led to the development of his creative coaching company. It equates to a staggering 30 years coaching presenters from over 60 of the Fortune 100 companies. He has worked in more than 30 countries, and has coached everywhere from an Indonesian deserted Island to Buckingham Palace.

The “Introverted Presenter” is also the title of his forthcoming book, and he explained why he felt the world needed another book on presenting.

“Here’s the scenario. An accomplished presenter – let’s call him Roy – gives a great presentation at the company’s annual conference. Mary, a salesperson in the audience, admires his stage presence and wants to emulate him. She searches online and – guess what! – Roy has written a “how to” book sharing his personal secrets and tips for presenting. So Mary buys it. Late into the night she studies Roy’s secrets, and put all he says into practice, and guess what? It does not work.

The reason is very simple: Roy is an extrovert. From an early age Roy has been the star of the show, he’s always the one who volunteers to be in the nativity play, speech day, University debating society, and company meeting. That’s why he’s a presenter and speaker – he was born to do it. No matter how often Mary reads the book she’s missing a vital part. Mary is an introvert and yet will still dread getting up to speak no matter how many books written by extroverts like Roy she reads.”

Richard’s view is that most professional presenters are great on stage because they are extroverts. They love the spotlight. However, here’s a surprise; the majority of clients, presenters and meeting planners, are introverts. So the presentation coaching and message planning services out there are aimed at the wrong personality type.

Now, here’s a spoonful of cod-psychology; the terms “introversion” and “extroversion” were first popularized by Carl Jung, and many of the popular “personality profiling” questionnaires make use of the concept, including those by Eysenck’s, the Cattell’s 16 personality factors, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory or the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. Jung and the gang suggest that everyone has both an extroverted and an introverted side, with one being more dominant than the other. Typically, extroverts are seen to be gregarious, assertive, and interested in seeking out external stimulus. Introverts, in contrast, are seen as introspective, quiet and less sociable. And of course, these are behaviours that are highly visible on stage.

Richard also points out that introversion/extroversion is measured in terms of a scale or spectrum, and around seven out of ten people fall in the middle ranges, known as “ambiversion.” That means only around 15% of the population at either end can be considered genuinely “introverted” or “extroverted”.  He’s also keen to point out that “we introverts are known to have slightly higher IQs than you lot.” Still, other researchers have pointed out that more extroverted people tend to report higher levels of happiness than introverts. Jung stated that introverts acknowledge more readily their psychological needs and problems, whereas extroverts tend to be oblivious to them because they focus more on the outer world. However, extroversion is socially preferable in Western culture and can make introverts feel more self-conscious. Other studies have found that extroverts tend to report higher levels of self-esteem than introverts.

So far, so good; it’s obvious an extroverted trainer may struggle to change the performance of an introverted delegate. Richard’s success stems from the fact that he is a classical introvert, and his starting point is to use some of the popular questionnaires to identify the degree of introversion within his clients. As he explains “it’s about leading the reader through the terror to a place of comfort and acceptance. Mary will never be a stand-up comedienne, but she can come to present carefully prepared material her audience will connect with, and she can enjoy doing it.”

For some reason Mr Tierney believes that your beloved columnist is an extrovert, just because it takes a stick with a hook at the end to get me off the stage. But he points out that the majority of people find such a situation totally alien. He explained, “this started out as a presentation coaching service, and with some clients that’s where it stops. But with others I go into deeper questions about their business and the messages they wish to get across. Introverts don’t think about this, they just want to keep their heads down and get on with their lives. And because I’m an introvert I can relate to that.”

The results do speak for themselves, and after three decades in the events industry Richard describes his new role as “the most rewarding work I have ever done. It can be transformational. Using all my experience in the events business yet not being a vendor is a great liberation for me. Seeing my client’s actually enjoying standing up and speaking, with their audience having clarity, is a great joy. But you extroverts probably don’t understand what all the fuss is about.”

www.IntrovertedPresenter.com

You see, I’m a generous chap at heart, although I don’t like to squander money. I prefer to give my money to charity – which I do, a lot – rather than entrust it to the government who will squander it on schemed designed solely to appeal to the masses and assist with re-election.

But this isn’t a political or ranty comment this month, just a bit of advice to readers who organise events outside the UK (and that can include subscribers who spend much of their time at our industry conferences and exhibitions which dot the globe). Simple question; did you know you’re probably wasting money?

I make that assertion after spending just ten delightful minutes in the company of Siobhan Kelly of Dublin-based Taxback. Now normally a conversation around VAT duality and reciprocal tax arrangements would have me sliding gently into a coma, but Siobhan’s lovely Emerald Isle lilt – and the offer of free money – kept me awake.

Essentially, the wise people running the EU (stop sniggering at the back) are very happy for you to recover (usually) the VAT that you are charged on your expenses. This can be as high as 25%; yes, some governments are even greedier than Mr Cameron’s.  However, often these refunds are left unclaimed, usually due to a lack of awareness, or because of the time and costs involved. After all, VAT (or the equivalent) varies not only between country but also on different products and services. So, for example, Italy’s IVA may only be 10% on hotels but rises to 21% for taxis.

We’re not talking small beer here; all that spending on croissants and bratwurste mounts up; one estimate is a staggering €5 billion which goes unclaimed.

Recoverable expenses fall into several categories, including “subsistence”, “advertising” and “entertaining”, which means that – in theory at least – writing your e-mail on a 20 euro note and slipping it into the g string of a Latvian lapdancer is a legitimate business expense. But the top category for reclaim is “trade fair and conference participation costs.”

Now, depending on the size of your organisation the sums involved may not be massive, but it is money you’re entitled to. And, as the process for SME’s is as simple as filling out a form, you can make an enquiry for free and you only pay based on results, frankly you’d be a muppet not to give it a go.

So, if some free money is something that has appeal, go to www.taxback.com and get in touch with Siobhan. Tell her I sent you. That way, you get a nice warm glow from the money you save, and I get a nice warm glow from the bottle of Irish malt that she sends me. Happy new year.

Now, I was convinced that, despite the advancing years I was in reasonably good shape, thanks to a reasonably healthy diet and regular sessions on the rowing machine. Sadly this self-delusion came to a crashing end when I met Cain Leatham at the recent European Cities Marketing conference In Krakow. He’s been a fixture for 5 years, sponsored by IMEX Exhibitions. Cain’s job is to ensure the delegates – the majority in their mid twenties, and therefore prone to enjoying the evening activities – are both physically and mentally alert and can actually enjoy what is a pretty packed 3 days.

His background is impressive. Joining the RAF as a slim 10 stone he rebuilt himself into an 18 stone ironman. But with a background that includes a Masters in nutrition and an NLP qualification, his conference presentations are genuinely different. Throughout ECM Cain was on hand to provide advice, guidance, motivation and the odd stern word to encourage a new generation of event marketers to deal with some of the excesses the world of meetings can provide.

After meeting Cain in Poland, I was impressed enough after to meet up and find out more. Unfortunately, what I hoped we would be a chat over a beer and pizza turned out to be another enthusiastic workout. Having convinced myself I was in reasonable shape for a demi-centenarian, being stripped off next to Cain made me feel like a crushed beanbag. Yet it wasn’t all bleak; aside from the gym session, Cain also provides guidance on nutrition, and uses the latest technology to check out his victims – sorry, clients. A £1500 black box connected to my ankle revealed I was the perfect weight, made up of the right materials, with the potential to keep on trucking for a few more years.

Cain’s participation at conferences extends beyond the traditional keynote, although as a member of the PSA he works the stage well. Off stage he works with the delegates to take the audience through a workout designed to leave them energised but not sweaty. At ECM he also worked with the hotel to ensure lunch was nutritious and healthy – and no, we didn’t all share a bean sprout and fava bean salad; it was excellent, filling fare.

And the payback can be dramatic. The attention span of ECM delegates is far greater after Cain had been involved. And fun but intense sessions just before the traditional graveyard shift worked wonders for attention and participation.

Oh, and you probably want to know about my incredible physique. Well, Cain was actually quite polite about me, reckoning I could pass (albeit only in some departments) for a man 10 years younger. But I’ve taken many of his hints to heart, and the results have been great. Aside from more energy – necessary with the number of hats I wear – I’ve added a couple of pounds – but it’s all muscle. I promise you, my faithful reader, that there’ll be no gratuitous nudity in these columns, but by next year when I’m on the beach I don’t have to worry that all those women staring my way are actually mentally dressing me.

Cain Leatham: www.gbfitness.co.uk

You must be from ‘Conference News’;” the woman was tall beautiful and elegant. “Moneypenny?” purred Bond. “No, I’m Caroline, in charge of PR for the hotel. Let me show you around.“ Bond watched as she moved, and his pulse quickened. Over her shoulder she said, “How is Mr Colston?” Bond wondered who else knew C’s real identity but was able to mask his concern as he was introduced to a smartly dressed gentleman who appeared as if from the ether. “I’m Stuart Leckie, Director of Marketing, welcome”.

Bond coolly appraised him. Here was a man who could look after himself. Had he been trained by Mossad, in their unique way of killing a man, swiftly and silently? Bond said “I expect you know Krav Maga.” A look of confusion whizzed over Stuart’s handsome face but he replied politely; “not really, but come and meet our chef; he’s very knowledgeable about wine.”

They walked through the stylish open bar, still popular with MPs, Caroline and Stuart throwing snippets of history that bought back the old memories. “This is the place where Philby, Burgess and Maclean met their KGB handlers to hand over state secrets… the refurbishment has cost around £30 million.. there’s a cupboard with a bricked up passage that leads down to the Tube station and the underground tunnel complex… we remain a popular location for MPs to meet, and we’ve a division bell in the foyer… you’ll notice all these little nooks and crannies where all sorts of deals have been struck.. the Spooks from MI5 and MI6 have used our facilities for debriefing famous spies…” Bond took in the information while scanning the airy spaces, perfect for clandestine meetings.

The facts and figures came fast and Bond acknowledged them all with his trademark sardonic grin. Caroline stared at him. “Something to eat, Mr Bond? Over there is our Caxton Grill, with its unique Josper oven that cooks at incredibly high temperatures to seal in the flavour of the food. And many of the recipes utilise honey from the colony of bees we now keep on the roof of the hotel.” Bond slipped a toothpick between his teeth. “Honey, eh? Shounds shweet. And would you be joining me for a little nibble?”

Bond could tell his words were having the desired effect as Caroline gave an involuntary shudder, and a grimace appeared on her face. After all these years, why was he still so irresistible? He moved his hand casually towards her and in her excitement she accidentally stabbed him with a used toothpick.

Stuart smoothly stepped in to fill the hungry silence. “We have a lot of leading IT companies in the area who use us, plus the Houses of Parliament and, of course, our friends from New Scotland Yard over the road, so we are the perfect location for meetings that require security and discretion. And you’ve seen the quality of our meeting rooms, and there’s our Crystal Boardroom which can take up to 200 guests standing.”

“So, room for most of my ex-lovers”, murmured Bond, winking at Caroline. In an open sign of sexual hunger she shuffled her chair as far round the table as she could.

“We also have a number of terraces that can be used for private parties. Perfect for something a little different in the heart of Victoria.” Stuart was leading the conversation as Caroline’s complexion seemed to have taken on a slightly greenish hue. Bond decided keeping up with the sexual mores of the twenty-first century were becoming a challenge.

“And all achieved with a quite a minimum of disruption?” asked Bond? Stuart smiled “Oh yes. I think you can say the locals have been delighted by the results. Stirred, but not shaken, perhaps?” He laughed gently, and Caroline joined in. Bond wondered whether they were communicating in code.

“So, who’s behind you, then, Stuart?” Bond went straight for the key question, sipping one of the 3 whiskies the waiter had bought them to try, a so-called tasting flight. “Is it SMERSH?” Stuart looked back, coolly. “I think that one is Bushmills. But we’re independent operators. Behind us is an American group. They have similar exclusive properties across the US, but this is the first operation outside their borders”.

Bond squinted. “CIA?”

“Err, no, actually, AEI”, replied Stuart, accidentally moving the rest of the whiskies out of Bond’s reach. He straightened; “let me get you our full Press pack.” In seconds it was just Bond and Caroline, whose long fingers moved effortlessly over her Blackberry. She glanced at him. “Something else to drink, Mr Bond?” He nodded, then raised an eyebrow, flicked out his tongues, licked his lips, winked hard. She smiled, and stood up. “Let me get you a coffee”. Bond watched her reflection if the window as she moved to the bar, and held the phone to her ear. Her whispers carried across the space; “it’s me. Can you call an ambulance? I think that deluded idiot from Conference News is having a stroke.”

Bond smiled at his own reflection. It was good to be back.

So, here are 5 things to remember when you’re putting together conference programmes.

1. Are you offering a unique – even controversial – perspective on a topic? Are you challenging perceived conventions and demonstrating a willingness to slaughter a few sacred cows? Are you talking about the next big think when most people are still wrapped up in this one? If so, make sure you spread the word; this is not the time to “play safe”. And controversy is great for PR.

2. How much new, original and cutting edge content do you have? Controversy is fine but should be backed up with solid research. And that’s not hard to get; most post-graduate students and even academics will be delighted to share research with you. Your role may be to turn somewhat heavy content into pithy, quotable, memorable nuggets, underpinned by heavyweight data.

3. Are you choosing a new way to present information? Today’s delegates have lost interest in being passive; they’ll want to participate. And – back to TED – the new conference winners are those that get straight to the content, but delivered with passion and high production AV; office-produced AV simply won’t cut the mustard anymore. Multimedia shows are not just about glitz; they really do help get the message across. Even a name can make a difference. Ken Blanchard’s book on how people respond to change sold millions of copies because the title – “Who Moved My Cheese” – was a bit unusual.

4. Is it useable? That may seem strange, but so many conferences have been packed full of speakers talking about how they went up Mount Everest on a pogo stick which is fine, but has no real value to your organisation. Glib, perma-tanned speakers are being replaced by those who really do have a genuine and original story to tell, and who can explain how to apply their lessons to your organisation. Without that, you’re just enjoying some theatre – and it’s probably more expensive than the best West End show.

5. Is it timely? Steer clear of topics that are outdated, and make sure your programme won’t date before it reaches the market. For example, if you’re going to do an event on “social media” you’re going to have to work very hard to stay ahead of all the other identikit events. And by the time you’ve put together your programme, some nine year old will be a trillionaire having invented the grandson of Facebook.

Conferences will continue to appeal, but to ensure packed house make sure the content really is something worth paying for.

I’ll prove it. Those of you with memories slightly better than a goldfish may recall that, in the July edition of this wonderful magazine, I was talking about the issues of keeping presenters to time. As a result, our esteemed editor had an e-mail from Philip Gibbs at IMS Communications. Introducing their Presenter Clock software.

It’s a nifty solution; as someone who has to stand on stages a lot for a living, I can confirm that the Laws of time do seem to become corrupted the moment a speaker’s foot touches the boards. The uncertainty of an audience’s reaction, the need to speed up or slow down a presentation, an anecdote taking slightly longer; all these factors can suddenly leave you feeling adrift from the space-time continuum.

And as IMS point out “Most presenters are given a time-slot and their audience tends to get quite angry if they over-run their time. In situations where people are bidding for a contract the time slot is often rigorously enforced”.

I’ll give you their sales pitch: “PresenterClock enables speakers to see exactly where they are in their presentation, how long they have left and what the next slide will be. Because the software is an Add-in for PowerPoint, any notes for slides can also be displayed alongside the countdown clock, giving extra support and peace of mind. Once inserted, all PresenterClock settings are saved within the PowerPoint presentation file. All PresenterClock information is displayed on one screen, which is only visible to the speaker. Clocks can be pre-set for multiple speakers to provide a seamless sequence of presentations all running perfectly to time.”

And here’s my favourite bit: “as the presenter nears the end of their allotted time the countdown timer can be set to change colour. And, if a presenter overruns, the timer will change colour and count up.” Fantastic. No no-one has any excuse for being on too long.

For the more complex presentations, or when a production crew is involved, there are a few other neat tricks. PresenterClock gives the producer control over sessions by allowing precise timing for each presenter, and giving them the ability to send brief messages to the presenter, such as “don’t forget the video clip”, or “get off now, the sniper has you in their sights”.

So, two valuable lessons this month. Firstly, if you have a good product, and bother to get in touch with leading industry magazines, you can almost do away with advertising. Secondly, write nice things about me, and then just bask in all the free publicity, just as Philip has done (although a bottle of fine malt will also help). What a smart and intelligent chap. Shame I now own the deeds of his house and souls of his children as payment, but what price PR, eh?

And if you’re not completely au fait with English, that analogy may pass you by. A balloon made of lead? Why?

Stories, jokes, similes, metaphors and proverbs can add colour to a presentation, but as many conferences will have international audiences, these should be chosen with care. For example, most cultures will have a saying similar to “touch wood” for luck, as good spirits were believed to live in trees. In Spain, the phrase is “tocar madera” (literally “to touch wood”); but In Catalonia and in other Catalan-speaking areas, the expression used is “tocar ferro” (literally, touch iron).

So far, so good. But if a Spaniard said to you “Árbol que nace torcido, jamás su tronco endereza”, and an interpreter explained this as “tree that is born twisted never grows straight” would you get the message? In English we’d be more likely to say, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

So this month’s column is about the need to have sympathy for international audiences, and thinking carefully about how apparently obvious messages will be interpreted; there’s a major UK bank that has successfully built a global advertising campaign around this issue.

There are many examples of tiny mistakes creating chaos; in the US, a tough interviewer asked the late Boris Yeltsin if he had a “thin skin”, but was translated as telling the ex-Premier he was a “thick-skinned hippopotamus.” But before that, ex-President Jimmy Carter caused confusion and embarrassment when, on a trip to Poland he stated, “I have come to learn your opinions and understand your desires for the future” only to be translated as saying “I desire the Poles carnally.”

So, what can you do to avoid this type of linguistic slip-up? Well, if you’re from outside the country in which you’re speaking, go the extra mile to have your draft speech read by a native speaker. And that goes for any AV material or hand-outs. And on arrival it can be worth spending 10 minutes talking to any simultaneous interpreters, and finding out what their preferred style is, and giving them a brief overview of your presentation. If you can ask for them to be sent a copy in advance, so much the better; even if it’s only the bones it will allow them to understand and support your key messages.

If there are large numbers of people in the audience with headphones on, then change your delivery. Speak a sentence – nothing too complex – and pause while it’s being translated. Watch the audience for signs of awareness or confusion. That, of course, means that you need to allow longer than usual, and may need to edit presentations accordingly. On the other hand, I’ve found that, if I do speak to foreign audiences and speak slowly and clearly, it’s not unusual for the headphones to start coming off. Many apparent non-English speakers actually understand much of the language, but are more confident listening and speaking, rather than reading.

There’s also the issue of telling jokes, which is where we started. Some words don’t translate, but often it may be in the delivery. A good comedian’s act is as much about delivery as content, which is why the funniest story may not raise a titter, even when delivered flawlessly in another language.

Of course, sometimes it can be a case of bad timing; Hong Kong launched an advertising campaign to the MICE sector – “it’ll take your breath away” – just as the SARS epidemic struck.

You can’t win them all. But “the tongue of the ignorant is the key to his death”, as they say – in Arabic, apparently.

Interestingly enough, when I’m running training courses for conference managers, they all confirm this is an ongoing problem, then look at me like cute puppies to solve the problem. Unfortunately, my response is the unsympathetic “grow a pair.”

Now, some delegates find this an unsatisfactory answer, pointing to the fact that the worst offenders are line managers or directors, and being forceful could be career-limiting. “Nonsense”, is my unequivocal reply, and let me explain why, dear reader.

If you think of most conferences, they have a strong element of theatre – the light, the AV, the stage, etc. And the parallel doesn’t end there. You see, it doesn’t matter whether you’re an English Thesp or an American celeb; you take your instructions and cues from the director and Stage Manager on the stage. To do anything else would be the height of rudeness – to both audience and other cast members – and soon bring the production to a halt.

That’s why, when the curtains go up in the theatres of London every night, cars might fly, animals can dance, witches appear and wars are enacted with total conviction. But at ten o’clock the curtain comes down, right on time, story completed.

If you think your MD can be a prima donna, what do you imagine it’s like handling the fragile egos of movie stars? However, at the end of the day, they embrace the cliché of “the show must go on.” At the Oscars, the world’s most highly-paid actors are told that, if their speeches are too long, or emotional, the orchestra will start up and drown them out. The rest of the world will get a commercial break and be presented with an advert for the latest constipation cure, a quite appropriate analogy.

At TED, where the future of conferences is being redefined, some of the most famous and powerful individuals in the world know that they have just eighteen minutes, or the lights go off. And while many of your pompous managers will argue that they need far longer to explain the new marketing strategy, event organisers must dig their heels in. Mark Twain was famously asked why he’d made such a long speech, and replied, “because I didn’t have time to write a shorter one.” Getting presentations distilled to the relevant elements and then ensuring they’re are delivered with passion is an essential but often downplayed skill of organisers.

And that means that Brian in Accounts, or even Stella the glass-ceiling breaking CEO have no right to behave any differently with time at an event. Back to my regular rant that event managers need to step up to the plate and explain the rules of effective live events, even if that means upsetting a few people. You won’t get fired for doing your job properly, and besides, it’ll make them look better. .

There are a host of technologies available to help you address this issue. Prompters, traffic lights, automated slide changes can help. Giant clocks counting down the seconds can stir a few speakers into motion, and social technology such as Twitter feeds can show when the audience is getting restless. A skilled facilitator with the courage to interrupt can solve the problem. And at the end of the day, a stick with a hook at the end can garner you all the audience support you need.

Boring conferences waste huge sums of money. But they also consume time, the one asset that no-one can replace. As the Baird himself wrote, “I wasted time, now time doth waste me”.

Part one: I was privileged enough to spend a week in Trinidad in March, whizzing straight out after Confex, and enjoying the sumptuous hospitality of the Hyatt Trinidad (more of that anon, except to say it’s one of the nicest hotels I’ve ever stayed in).

But this was work (whatever the Press stories and my Facebook pictures might suggest otherwise) and between dancing and partying and eating I also managed to do some research. My host, the lovely Sasha Hlozek (Account Director for Cheryl Andrews Marketing) and I spent hours chatting into the night, fuelled only by creatively lethal cocktails, discussing the economic impact of the Trinidad Carnival. The Prime Minister (who I also met, albeit from a distance) trumpeted that the Trinidad and Tobago economy had received an injection of T$1 billion (US$158 million) as result of the government’s investment in the event. PM Kamla Persad Bissessar explained “we have gotten economic benefit to the hotels, the services, transport, food, clothing, in every arena, I would want to say more than one billion dollars have come back into the country, and there have been so many foreigners back, as well.” Then she went back to dancing with her Cabinet.

The role of events as an economic stimulus to a country or region is not something new; indeed, the forthcoming Olympics have been trumpeted as a massive injection of liquidity into the economy. (And it’s true; there isn’t a Polish builder who hasn’t been rubbing his hands with glee, as he purchases yet another flat in downtown Warsaw with his overtime payments).

So consider this, dear reader, as I bring you part two; just before my annual visit to Confex, I ran (unpaid, from the goodness of my heart) an outplacement and career development workshop for the 11 hardworking souls who had just heard they were about to be made redundant as Visit Lincolnshire went into liquidation. The rationale? Well, Lincolnshire County Council had decided to withdraw the majority of funding, keeping the £204 000 tourism budget in-house. Was this a smart decision? Well, I’m a resident of Lincolnshire and, take it from me, you wouldn’t trust the Council to look after your pet hamster for a long weekend.

So how bleak is this situation? In the short term, there’ll be no obvious impact, because most of the marketing campaigns have been implemented before the closure. However, as the former CEO, Marc Etches, pointed out, every other county within the East Midlands is receiving full local authority support for its destination management organisations. Yorkshire, for example, had been granted a budget £10m for tourism promotion in 2011-12.

The tragedy is our PM has stated that he wants to see domestic tourism grow in the UK from 36 per cent to 50 per cent of all tourism. Lincolnshire is the second largest county in the UK, and tourism employs 17,000 people. The county has a lot to offer, and yet remains something of a secret. Now, because of this decision, Lincolnshire will continue to be left out in the cold, both nationally and internationally, from both leisure and business tourism opportunities. The former Chairman of Visit Lincolnshire, Jon Grubb, stated: “For the first time in several decades, there won’t a body promoting tourism to the county. In my opinion that’s a huge gamble with an industry worth nearly £1bn a year.”

Now, perhaps Mr Cameron believes his “big society” idea will take up the slack, and an army of Yellowbelly volunteers will step into the breach to promote the region. Well, I’m a great believer in contributing to society; indeed, I pick up all the litter from outside my house each week. But I also believe that the events industry has the power to be an economic powerhouse, and should be managed by skilled professionals. For all the PM’s enthusiasm for getting citizens to do their bit, destination promotion is best left handled to the experts. It’s the same reason I put the implementation of my vasectomy in the hands of a skilled surgeon, rather than Mrs Osgodby, in my local corner shop, who gives me such a welcome smile. I have no doubt about her good intentions, and her hands are always warm, but I just feel there’s something missing – or, with a slight tremble of the hand, could be!

It would be good if the industry trade bodies and lobbying groups such as BVEP, who trumpet the role of the sector in generating £36 billion of wealth for our nation, could demonstrate a little spleen and put the Lincolnshire bureaucrats firmly in their place.

Many countries, counties s and cities have proven that carefully run and managed cultural or business events can enrich a region in so many ways. Lincolnshire and Trinidad prove, at different ends of the scale, that they will each get what they deserve.

I’m also not going to give you something you couldn’t get from reading this online which would have made you grateful you bothered to turn up in person. And I’m going to continue that theme by hiding behind this podium, rustling my notes in this irritating fashion, which will effectively kill off any sense of emotion by removing my ability to make gestures or generate energy through movement.

Because of my state of mind I’m already slightly hassled and my presentation doesn’t match with what I’m saying. So 3 minutes into my slot I’m still showing you a slide with my name on. I’ll fill the space as I frantically click the mouse with an embarrassing collection of “umms” and “errs”, which you will find set your teeth on edge.

Now this slide, which I’ve forgotten to do as a build-up, shows the key points of my talk so you immediately know the conclusion, because you read 8 times faster than I speak. However, as you were given a copy of the slides on the way in, you’ve already read this, and many of you have been able to calculate by the number of pages that there’s no way I’m going to finish in my allotted 20 minutes.

My next slide is 12 dull statements about my company, which have no interest for anyone, but which I will read to you VERY SLOWLY on the basis you might have suddenly lost the power of sight.

Next up, this slide is unintelligible because I didn’t think to change the font size to meet the needs of a large auditorium. But rest assured, when I created it, everyone in the office thought it was brilliant.

And this slide contains a logo of a company you won’t have heard of, but which will make you realize I didn’t like you enough to prepare a bespoke presentation; instead I thought that a “cut and paste” job from 3 others would do. Well, the fee for this gig was miniscule.

Oh, look at this slide. I discovered PowerPoint does a “typewriter” effect, and I can spell out every line as if I was typing which makes me connect with everyone in the audience over 60. If you were closer to me, you’d hear the tinny noise that comes with that effect, for added crassness.

And because I can’t be arsed to do anything different, I used exactly the same standard template with these next 7 slides. Notice the excess text, in a variety of fonts and sizes, because that’s what happens if you don’t get someone else to check your material for you.

On this one, I thought some crap Clipart with a stick man would somehow make some arcane point. It didn’t though, did it?

And I haven’t got time to explain the next 3 slides, because although I was given a clearly-defined speaking slot, I forgot to rehearse. But I have to go through each of them because I forgot how to jump seamlessly within my presentation, and if I go into “slide sorter” mode my nervous fingers won’t allow me to get going with “full screen” again.

There you have it. Or rather you don’t, because you lost the will to live some time ago. Your muted applause is enough to make me think I’ve done well, rather than seeing it as a spontaneous celebration that I’ve finished speaking. Worry not; I’m off now, and the next two speakers are even worse than me. Thanks for not listening. Ever.”